Butterflies and Hurricanes

Everything feels still. Finally. I wrote here last on October 14^th. A painfully long time ago. Almost three months later, my world seems to have hop-scotched into a newness I’m not sure I’m ready to handle.

I had decided to begin the year 2018 by shaking the very core of my status quo. And that’s what I did. I am – more or less – single, unemployed and homeless. I could romanticise my existence right now by calling myself a nomad, a dreamer, a drifter, but honestly, I don’t feel any of that. Yet. I decided to take a break because I felt that I was too complacent in the little world I’d created for myself back in Bangalore. I was working for a brand I liked, getting good money for it, and had the privilege to work from home whenever I wanted to. On paper, this seems like a dream. But I wasn’t at peace. My soul was restless. I would float from one room to another, wondering how to abate this agitation. I realised it won’t happen unless I throw myself into a different lifestyle altogether. I won’t know what’s out there until I’m out there. I also stopped thinking about right and wrong when it comes to making decisions. I went ahead and took the plunge. And I feel great, so far.

I’m home, staying with my parents for a few days. What’s surprising is the familiarity and the alienation I feel in my current situation. I’m home, but I’m not home home. Given that our house recently got a facelift, I almost feel like a guest staying in for a bit, before I’m on my way again. My former room isn’t mine anymore, but the bed is the same. Most of the furniture is new, but the bookshelf still holds my old novels. Mum and dad are the same, but older, wiser, warmer. I’m Chinky all over again, but I’m also a woman in the throes of a soul-searching sabbatical.

I’ve met some of my closest friends recently, coloured my hair brown, attended two weddings, had the most gratifying food, caught up with all my relatives, huddled with my family around leftover barbeque coals, visited some elephants in therapy, and slept deeply after ages. I feel full. I feel rested. Now, I know it sounds like something all millennials seem to be doing today, but I’m soon going to travel. Partly with friends, partly alone. I have no grand plans, no summits I’ve vowed to mount, no to-do lists, no goals. I just want to exist in different worlds. I want to be elsewhere. I want to have more inward conversations. I want to know what it’s like to be alone with my thoughts. I know I may get bored, or melancholic, or start drowning into whirlpools of self-loathing, but I still want to experience it all. I want to give myself a chance. That’s all there is to it.

For now, I’ll leave this song right here, as it seems to be the defining song of the new year. It just fits.

I hope 2018 treats you well, dear reader, and gives you everything you were looking for.

P.S. I absolutely adore the feeling of woollen socks slowly warming my perennially frozen feet. I love winters with a dreaminess I can never seem to shake off. I’m so happy!