Butterflies and Hurricanes

My body automatically stiffens around 7:30 every morning because I know the alarm is going to go off soon. I don’t want it to ring. I don’t want to get out of my blanket. I pull it closer around me, making sure there is no room for any light to make its way inside. My mind’s feeble attempt at defying time. Of denying the unavoidable aftermath it brings with it. I bury my face deeper, deeper into the pillow. As if I can somehow freeze this moment and not have to get up.

I remember I was dreaming of something really happy. Anklets chiming. I was with my family at the beach. Multiple doorbells. We were taking pictures together and laughing. The cacophony of steel utensils being washed. I was on a long drive with someone, and we stopped because the view was breathtaking. The roar of a rusty old engine coming back to life. I was talking to a friend who I don’t talk to anymore. We were friends again. Kids shouting downstairs, leaving for school. There were starry skies, and moonlit night strolls. The alarm goes off. 

No, no, no, no, no. Take me back, please. I can’t do this today.

Something I wrote on my phone when I woke up one morning and found myself feeling worse than I have felt in months, maybe years. It’s been a while since I crawled back to this little box. It stares back at me every time I open it: expectantly, with large, blinking eyes. It scares me. I’m trying to run away from myself, but it pulls me back. Alright, alright. I’m here now, exploding with the need to write something, but having no clear picture of what I’m going to talk about.

For a lot of reasons (some beyond my control and some within), I have been going through a lot of pain. Some of it is physical, but most of it is emotional, somewhat mental. I try my best to heal, to feel better about life, to tell myself it’s all good, every dusk gives way to a new dawn. You know how they say some people just want to stay unhappy? They revel in their sadness, they dive deeper into their romantic, angst-ridden view of the world. Some say they’re people who see everything from a faraway vantage point, everything is coloured by their ever-present existentialism. They think they’re too cool to blend in, to be happy with an ‘ordinary’ life.  I’m sorry to say this but I don’t believe it’s true. Not anymore, at least. I’ve been trying to be happy, and more importantly, to stay happy for as long as I can remember. Genuinely, truly happy. It’s not that simple for some people. I can’t just read motivational quotes or tell myself there are people suffering around the world, and so I should feel lucky, and just wake up the next morning with a new-found zest for life. It doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes you can’t get out of it. I honestly wish it could be that easy. To just decide to hop, skip and dance through life. I’m not saying I’m cynical, or that everything sucks, or that everything is going wrong in my life. I’m just looking for something within me. And it’s so out of my reach that I don’t even know where to begin. I wish I could ignore how every day just passes and blends into the next day, and each day seems so alike I can’t tell whether I’m moving forwards or backwards or just standing still. I wish I didn’t have to come back to my room and face who I really am when nobody is around: lost, confused, hurt, depressed. Misunderstood. I wish I knew how to be like you, happy person. But I’m not you. I’m me. And sometimes that sucks.

I’ve mostly been doing two things while I wait for this feeling to wash over me, and eventually, pass: listening to music, and reading. I’m currently reading a book of short stories by Ted Chiang, called ‘Stories of your Life and Others.’ Sometimes it’s difficult to concentrate, but when I do finish a story, it distracts me, and lets me think of more fascinating concepts. I’m also reading ‘Smoke and Mirrors’ by Neil Gaiman. I don’t know what I would have done without these guys.

I want to share some of my current favourite songs with you. They’re really close to my heart, and they help me get through the day.

1. Terms and Conditions by Chet Faker.
2. Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
3. Black Mambo by Glass Animals.
4. Keep on Loving You by Cigarettes After Sex.
5. I Need a Forest Fire by James Blake.
6. Moon Child by the F-16s.
7. Skinny Love by Bon Iver.
8. So What Now by the Shins.
9. Babylon by Angus and Julia Stone.
10. Cinders and Smoke by Iron and Wine.

Sharing only ten of them as of now. Will make a longer playlist and share more next time. Mind you, these are not happy songs. They’re songs that reflect my current state of mind. They describe what I’m unable to express through words. It’s amazing how a song can say so much more than an entire conversation.

Also, Mr. Bensicle did something really cool for me. He sang me one of my most favourite Radiohead songs because he knew I wasn’t having the best day at work.

Go and check it out here!

Sigh. I guess it’s not all bad, is it? :’)

P.S. Thanks, Benja. I love you ❤