The Mute Unmuted

It’s been 3 years since then, but the excitement is still so fresh in my mind. About 180 strangers sat together in a massive auditorium, most of us with our respective parents, and waited with an effervescent enthusiasm for our new life to begin. It was hard to contain our restless minds and our shuffling feet. We couldn’t wait. To get to know people around us, to explore the campus, to decorate our rooms, to begin our classes and get to know our professors.

I still remember my first day in Lavale. I couldn’t believe I was going to stay there for two years. And on the very last day, I couldn’t believe I had lived there for two years. Days passed, friendships were forged, relationships, old and new, sprouted and shriveled in front of our eyes. We had good days, bad days, exhilarating days, and days that drove us crazy. But now when I think about college, my entire being aches to go back. I’d run back to it in a heartbeat. I’d kill to have it all back. A chance to do it all over again. To have another year, another semester, another day, another class. Just anything. Something.

Please? No? Okay.

There are too many things to talk about, so this post is going to be random and disjointed. So for the past few days, I was busy pretending that everything was hunky dory and I was absolutely happy with my existence. But then the feeling of disillusionment started coming out in gushes, during unexpected, random moments in my everyday life. I honestly can’t explain what causes it, or what the reasons are, but this edgy, itchy, antsy feeling is really bringing me down. I don’t get it. I want something. I know it’s out there. But I don’t know what it is. And it is calling out to me. Will I ever figure this out? Maybe. Maybe not.

I’m focusing all my energies to try and be positive right now. More importantly, I’m trying to be honest to my own self. I’m learning how to say no. It’s okay, if all I want to do on a weekend is be alone in my bed, and not go out for drinks. It’s okay if I’m not in the mood to make small talk, and if I don’t like reading classics, or if I don’t like superhero movies, or if I’ve not listened to Nirvana, or if I don’t want to believe in a ‘higher power’, or if I don’t want to have non-vegetarian only because I’m trying to fit in. I’m done doing things I don’t feel like doing.

I discovered Radical Face during work today. Please listen to it? Start with this song and then this one.

I should probably sleep now. I have work tomorrow, and it’s almost 3. Uh oh. I’ll be back, with more. I vow to not abandon my blog for so long again. Please don’t give up on me!

Okay bye!